Having studied the symptoms carefully I can conclude that either:
A: I have contracted some hideous, debilitating vegan borne disease that will doubtless destroy me before the week is out.
B: I’m getting a cold.
Option A might be more likely than you think, though maybe less severe. Bloggers, cranks and health hacks galore claim that many of the above issues (plus a couple of others that are also present but I don’t know you well enough to discuss) could be down to detox effect. That is the gradual cleansing of my poor abused body making me feel worse for a little while in some kind of immuno-endurance test that I must pass in order to claim my super healthy powers.
To be honest, it sounds like a load of guff to me.
But it’s not a theory without precedent- giving up booze or smokes or even caffeine cold tofurkey can cause a lot of physical symptoms. And according to several self proclaimed experts, so can giving up eating meat. Something to do with re-alkalinising your insides. Hmm. Oddly enough, the best cure for this is to carry on not eating meat, and the people who came up with this theory and subsequent cure? Yup, you got it. People who want you to stop eating meat. Call me a cynic but this is where I stop trusting these apparent experts who will gladly charge you a fiver for some advice and ‘evidence’ that isn’t exactly provable one way or another. Could this vast lake of information based cleansing instruction just be so much lifestyle snake oil?
I’m struggling to believe that increasing my fruit and veg intake by this much is making me poorly. Let’s be honest, there are more Ultimate Health Tips out there that you can shake a nutritional stick at and hardly any of them agree. Be clean, go vegan, it’s the only way. Be natural, go animalistic and eat loads of meat and healthy fats, it’s the only way. Cow’s milk is allergenic to people, go dairy free, it’s the only way. Eat what the hell you want but fast once a week, it’s the only way.
But still, the listed complaints are uncannily close. But then again, a bazillion conditions present with ‘flu like symptoms’ including, you know, colds and flu. For every action there’s a reaction and for every detox ‘bad breath’ symptom there is the counter fact that I ate a crap load of garlic at lunchtime.
Don’t believe everything you read on the internet kids, the internet will also tell you that peanut butter is 10% made of grubs, Brett Michaels is dead and Justin Bieber is human. For now, I’m going with the cold theory and I’m pitching down to snuggle up with some vegetable soup and hope that an early night makes it all go away.
What’s the betting there’s lactose in lemsips?