Are You Going To Eat…..Chard?

chard

Freshly harvested chard, from my garden.

I remember seeing chard mentioned on Masterchef increasingly frequently and assuming it was about to become the next go-to-food-twat ingredient taking the supermarket by storm. That was a while ago, as it’s been at least two years since I have paid any attention to Masterchef and I am still yet to recall a single incident of seeing actual chard to buy in a shop anywhere, though I think I have had it perhaps twice in restaurants.

Obviously there is a seasonal issue here, but chard has a pretty long growing season potentially from spring to autumn in the UK so we can’t just blame that. It is also tasty, potentially attractive to your plate and has a superheroic nutritional profile. So what is our problem with chard!?!?!?!

First to address is the above mentioned issue that you don’t see chard about much and thus a ton of people don’t know what it really is. Who is that adventurous about green leafy veg they don’t recognise? Not many people. Thus no one to sell it to. Thus no one sells it. The circle of consumerist life.  So what is it? Well I can tell you it is basically a big old leaf from the same family as beetroots and spinach, that grows much in the same way as a lettuce but is frankly a lot more robust in both texture and flavour. Young leaves are tender and can go straight into a salad, like most veg chard will retain the highest levels of nutrition when raw. Speaking of nutrition: 100 grams of raw chard will set you up with over a day’s worth of vitamin A requirements (to see in the dark), half your recommended vitamin C (which the body can’t store so you need to consume frequently) and 10, yes TEN TIMES the scientifically complicated daily volume of vitamin K that clever people in white coats think you should eat. Who cares? Women facing the menopause should, as vitamin K plays a big part in bone health. Nutritional (i.e. eaten) vitamin K is also known to play a role in inhibiting arterial calcification associated with heart disease* so if you have a heart or arteries, you should probably get plenty of it in your diet.

Older, and bigger, chard leaves are more bitter than the tiny wee ones thus more likely to be cooked in the same fashion as inexplicably trendier but not dissimilar kale. Like kale, chard doesn’t need a huge amount of cooking and tends to be shredded and added towards the end of the process of whatever you are rustling up in the kitchen. Chard is also much better at keeping it’s form when cooked and you can enjoy the stem as well as the leaf, unlike bitty annoying kale and its chewy horrid stems. The fact that it only need a short time to cook helps to maintain those lovely vitamin levels too** Not all of us like the bitter end of the taste spectrum, but if you find yourself cooking for oodles of children or indeed my own mother, you can sneak some chardy goodness into stews and bolognesey dishes by cutting it up very finely or add it to blended soups for some stealth nutrition. However if you take your coffee black and your chocolate dark, chard is quite wonderful as a vegetable in it’s own right, very quickly sauteed and stacked up alongside some red meat and a bit of gravy or shredded into a Spanish omelette. Raw vegan types might chuck it into a lurid smoothie for extra smugness and additional Instagram followers, and dinner party hosts and unicorn trend fans can seek out pretty old rainbow chard for extra photogenicity too.

There is a lot you can do with chard, and it is really good for you, so why the eff can’t you buy it anywhere?!?!?!?!?!

seeds

chard seeds are widely available and easy to grow at home

Actually along with the aforementioned lack of demand, it has a cruddy shelf life. Proper cruddy. But this shouldn’t stop you, as I have kept the Mr and myself in chard since this May with a simple planter box on our patio. As Grow Your Own veg goes it is incredibly easy to cultivate, needing partial sun, watering and the odd feed when they first start to sprout. You may have some interest from aphids and fleabeetles but there are many simple and organic pest control sprays that will fend these little buggers off (just don’t spray it near anything flowering and don’t eat within 2 weeks of a spray!). If you plant late march/early April you should be able to harvest your chard from May, and if you stick to snipping the outer leaves one plant will continue to grow for the whole summer. If you are very lucky more established plants will recrop even if you completely strip down to half inch of growth at the base. They will grow on a balcony or a well lit windowsill so come on people, grow some chard!

And eat some chard. Which is exactly what I am about to do with some scrambled eggs and a cheeky Sunday crumpet.

*thanks Wiki https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_K

**for cooked nutritional info look here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chard

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Grow Your Own! The Wind Down.

A brew in the last of the sunshine


It’s nice, as we descend into the season of falling leaves and escalating rows about the central heating settings, to be able to say that I have really enjoyed my garden these past few weeks. In the real sense of just being out there and having s good time. In the earlier half of the summer I couldn’t profess to the same, as we became overrun with various beetles, grubs and potato related mishaps atop the standard issues of constant mowing, weeding and felines. But as it has cooled down a bit and the majority of critters have undergone a mass exodus (something to do with the hellish spiders nest under the conservatory I suspect) it has been positively wonderful to sit out with a coffee of a sunny Saturday and just, well, be.

I’m not going to descend into some hippy crap about spiritual oneness with my petunias but there is a definite therapy of the soul to be found by hanging out with nature, even if that is just a bit of lawn and two planters rather than a wild and ranging heathland. Yes, the pumpkins are still running amok and we got no edible radishes to speak of and the carrots weren’t much cop but it is still just lovely to be here. Of course basking in the glow of those few home grown triumphs does increase my smug enjoyment of our outside space. The sight of the dwindling stubs of chard in my patio planters prompts fond memories of the summer-long harvest of tasty green leaves which has only just begun to slow down. My sage plant is thriving in the brick planter, having doubled in size since I swept it out of a sad pile of potted yellow-sticker twigs at the back of Homebase, and makes me feel entirely self righteous and even God like for selecting it for salvation.  It is rather wonderful when my eye runs across our two gooseberry plants and I am reminded of the gooseberry gin in the pantry that needs straining, rather than just recalling the pin-picked shreds of my fingers when I was harvesting the damn things. It’s all good.
I suspect a purely ornamental gardener might find the Autumn depressing, what with all the tying up and fleecing down and endless bulb rearrangement for the spring. This is the joy of fruit and veg.  Spending my previous free hours taming squash vines and trying to entice bigger courgette flowers meant neglecting the big old budlejas which are now enormous but still in bloom and feeding a veritable army of fat bumble bees, which is great, and makes the ‘pretty’ end of the garden a rather shabby delight that is way too far gone to care about now. Yes it’s a mess but it’s full of life and one doesn’t get depressed about drooping flowers and plugging daffodils when there’s fruit to pick and jam to jar. This is no time to rest and contemplate the deadheading for there is so much better stuff to do than tidy up the shrubs.

Attack of the mass rhubarb

My first year rhubarb plants are MASSIVE, and also undisturbed as common wisdom is against eating these in the first growing season. Having taken some advice I apparently need to bundle up and pin down the huge stems in a way as to both protect the crown over the winter and let the leaves rot some nutrition back into the soil. I sound like I know what the hell this involves I’m sure……….

Next, I will start off the winter cabbages on a windowsill now that the caterpillars have evolved off to eat someone else’s green stuff. Then the pumpkins need some care in the final run up to their inevitable October evisceration. So that’s plenty of feeding and preening for them and the late potato crop I planted three weeks ago which should be ready right in time for Christmas dinner. These have sprouted surprisingly quickly, although I’m not convinced at present that there is enough time to get them past the yuky hard green stage. Thankfully the Older Male Sibling will have a line on some last minute festive spuds if it comes to it. And speaking of yuletide, my little pear tree is springing up straight and smart again, unburdened by two and a half kilos of pears which are now pickling in a cool dark space in the pantry. 

It’s not been a bad back yard haul at all and hopefully by the time it is all done and dusted the flowers will have died off by themselves and left me some nice bare spaces to fill in with crocus bulbs.

Research jobs for the spring will be on less harsh bug sprays and more bird-enticing behaviors to adopt, as they have all buggered off since we took out the rotten plum tree and replaced it with a feeding station. Ungrateful, feathered fools. In fact much of the next season will involve reviewing the environmental impact of our lives in both the garden and kitchen. I plan many boring and preachy posts about this, for which you can blame Chris Packham, but that’s for a later time.

So I like the autumn, overall. I’ve got pickles and can have a cuppa in the sun without burning and some cyclamen are popping up already to cheer the view while we wait for the January Kings to get going. Ok so it’s getting chilly and of course the bloody cats are still at it, though hopefully I can get hold of some decaying nuclear material and realise my dream to irradiate the spiders under the conservatory into enormous patrol beasts to keep the kitties out for good this time. Watch this space.

The X(mas) Files: Grow Your Own Christmas Spirit!

xmas pudI assure you that I am not your irritating facebook friend constantly posting about how many weeks/Saturdays/nanoseconds are left to pass until we can crack open our advent calendars. However, there are certain activities of yuletide prep which really need to begin in this the final quarter of the year and if you’ve got a decent pear crop, my Christmas Spirit is one of them.

Like pretty much everything this summer, the pears in my garden have matured early and thanks to several weeks of classic British summer washout they are of good size but still, as last year, harder than a concrete cage fighter. I did three things with them last year. Firstly, after a minor brush with fame getting read out on Saturday Kitchen tweets, I took on some telly chef advice and pickled the best part of three kilos of my rockhard green babies and put them up for Christmas. I mostly followed this recipe from Saint Delia of Smith but put in about three times too much pepper by happy accident. They were pokey and sweet and went wonderfully on the boxing day cheese board, so it’s worth a look if you have your own crop to process.

The rest of them got made into an unsuccessful puree and the bulk of my Step Father’s Christmas bottle. He’s an awkward sod to buy for, because he generally doesn’t know what he wants and the Mothership gets fed up of asking him so on gifting occasions I tend to steer unguided towards obscure sci fi books and lesser contemplated consumables around themes of coffee, booze or marmite. I often remember him enjoying a sneaky tip of Benedictine back in the halycon days of us all living in the same house, and got into my head that I was going to make him some kind of sweet, spiced vodka for his stocking last year. What I made was absolutely NOTHING like Benedictine, mostly as I am not a monk with a secret recipe, but I did come up with a pretty winning and distinctly Christmassy home brew that will warm many a cockle of a cold winter’s eve. So if you’ve got a spare pear, so to speak, you might want to give this a go but get it started in the next 2 weeks for maximum infusion time.

Boomboom Christmas Spirit

1 bottle mid-range vodka
2 large conference pears
1 teaspoon of orange or lemon zest
1 vanilla pod
2 cinammon sticks (one now, one later)
6 cloves
4-6 tbspns Golden granulated sugar depending how sweet you take your tipples.
5 Cardamom pods
A 1l mason jar
Decorative bottle to decant

pears

Pear infused Christmas Spirit in process

Start by thoroughly cleaning and drying the mason jar- the combination of vodka and sugar will keep most microbial growth at bay but it still pays to give the glassware a really good clean and a very hot water rinse before you get started. Same goes for the decanting bottle in December.
Start to fill the jar with the spices and sugar (you can add more later if you don’t love the first taste test so less is more at this point).  Split the vanilla pod, crack the cinnamon stick in half and gently press the cardamom pods to crack the outer skins and allow as much surface area as possible for all those aromatics to seep into the vodka. The cloves can go in whole.
Wash the pears gently but thoroughly in cold water and cut off the very ends. With a sharp knife, score through the skin from top to bottom three times around the pear, then add to the jar. Chuck in the zest then fill the jar up with vodka. As always, don’t fall into the trap of budget cooking vodka use something you could stand to drink! Russian Standard or Smirnoff at a minimum please. Seal the jar, give it a very gentle jiggle then put it somewhere cool and dark to contemplate its destiny for a couple of months.

Continue to jiggle the bottle daily for a week, then once a week until early December, when you should take a little taste test and add more sugar if required. It will start to darken over time and should be a golden yellow after about 8 weeks. Don’t be put off by the pears starting to look a bit manky by this point and do not be tempted to open the jar or taste it before this- you really want to minimise oxygen exposure. If you want to sweeten add a table spoon more of sugar, shake, then leave for another 24 hours to taste. If this is not required, strain the liquid through muslin or a very fine metal mesh sieve and decant into a clean bottle with another, intact cinnamon stick for some pretty factor. Put a ribbon around it and give it away to be served over ice or in a martini. Merry Christmas!

Variations- you could try this with gin  using a very plain dry London gin like Gordon’s however I would leave out the cloves and vanilla. 

Grow Your Own! An Onslaught of Pumpkins 

GP_KeyArt_Pose8

Earlier in the year whilst planning my garden efforts I picked up some pumpkin seeds to try in my little patch of green. I opted for the ‘Invincible’ variant as I had never grown them before and wanted a good chance of one of them surviving my lack of squash nurturing skills.

Oy.

Well I needn’t have worried. After planting six seeds in my conservatory I gifted one young plant and put four more outside (one never woke up). I tried one in a pot, three in the ground. They got regular watering, a couple of babybio feeds and a sparse anti-bug spraying. The one in the pot has grown steadily and sent out two vines and is currently holding an orange sized fruit.

The three I planted in the ground have formed their own democracy and are currently negotiating trade terms with the hoards of ivy next door.

Suffice to say they are thriving. By which I mean spreading, daily, over and through whatever crosses their path. They have covered the back third of the garden, choked out my irises and had a damn good go at strangling the silver birch. You see when I hear ‘Invincible’ I think Superman, I think benevolent higher power that will save the day and keep it’s gracious super strength to itself until it is needed for the greater good. These pumpkins are the other kind of invincible.  It’s funny because all the online info for pumpkin growing suggests that you care for them by fighting pests and watering exceptionally regularly as they are very thirsty indeed. That’s all. No one tells you that they need all that water to power their underground lair from whence their  sentient super computer will soon reprogram the sun and bring forth the zombie apocalypse.  I was hoping for some unique black halloween lanterns and a decent stock of pumpkin chutney for the winter, now I will just behappy to escape with my life and a jar of Branston’s. I haven’t slept in days. Come the evening with the windows open, I can hear the low incessant creak of their creeping limbs, gently extending by moonlight ever closer to their goal of invading my foundations, assuming my identity and then after my inevitable enslavement drinking all my gin, the bastards!!!

I was not ready for this. I was not prepared to foresee the effects of the heat blasts of spring and the downpours of summer and the perfect growth conditions they would support. I was sucked in by the innocuous greenery and tasty blossoms and turned my back on their blooming advancement for a second too long and here I am now, doomed and imprisoned with only the hope that some kind of jack o lantern carving prince will breach their defenses and save me before they offer me up as sacrifice to the Great Pumpkin himself!

Please send help. And a really big pie dish.

kins

Squash Blossom Risotto

pumpkin blossoms

Early pumpkin blossoms are light and delicately tasty

Despite recent radish issues and an out and out potato fail, my garden is currently offering up some really wonderful pumpkin and courgette flowers which have been going into our new favourite summer evening dinner. I do love a risotto, and weirdly I forget how much I love a risotto quite frequently and hadn’t made one in months until I was faced with coming up with something that was nice enough to warrant Birthday Dinner status without doing any further hurt to a serious toothache issue I wont bore you with now (it really hurts BTW).

Squash blossoms abound at this time of year and tend to provide a good amount of vitamins C and A.  This is a quick, vegetarian friendly recipe once you sort your prep out and perfect for an indulgent summery dinner at home. You can simply garnish with a whole flower or go all out with the fried stuffed version depending on how much time you have. It will work equally well with courgette flowers, though they are slightly smaller and differ in taste from the pumpkin flowers. Harvest your flowers with as much of the stalk as you can, ideally first thing in the morning or after some good rainfall. The un-opened ones will be easier to stuff if you are going for the fried-garnish option.

Boomboom Blossom Risotto.

stuffed blossome

soft cheese stuffed pumpkin blossoms ready to fry

Serves Two.

160g risotto rice
4 fresh pumpkin blossoms or 6 courgette flowers (or a mix of both)
1 tbspn rapeseed oil
1 white onion
15 button or 8 chestnut mushrooms
1 courgette
3 cloves garlic
2 tbspns soft cheese
1 glass dry white wine
500ml vegetable stock
Salt and pepper
Parmesan cheese

For fried flower garnish:
More rapeseed oil
3  tbspns soft cheese
1 egg
2 tbspns sifted plain flour

You do need a little bit of prep on this one if you are going with the fried flower garnish so get organised early by making up your stock, finely dicing your onions, garlic, mushrooms and courgettes and gently but thoroughly washing the flowers in cold water.

Take out the two largest (or most aesthetically pleasing) blooms and set aside for using as the garnish. De-stalk and finely shred the rest of them.  Beat the egg and sift the flour then be ready with a tea strainer or fine sieve.  Season the soft cheese with salt and pepper and beat it well then very carefully spoon this into the flowers. I find this most easy to do with the handle of a teaspoon, don’t over fill them! Put these aside for now.

This is the point in proceedings to take any kind of break that you need be it to go for a pee, make yourself a drink or talk to your dinner guest because once you start a risotto YOU MUST NOT LEAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Put plenty of rapeseed oil into a heavy bottomed frying pan and put this aside. In another large pan (that you have a lid for) heat 1 tbspns of oil and fry off the onions and garlic, adding the courgettes and mushrooms once the onion is translucent. Cook through for 3 minutes then add the risotto rice to your pan and stir well to combine. Add the wine now and stir gently but continuously until the wine is absorbed by the rice. As always, don’t use horrible cheap ‘cooking’ wine, go with something you can stand to drink. Co-op do a lovely English Bacchus at the moment which does nicely with this dish.
Add the vegetable stock a cup at a time, stirring all the time until the liquid is absorbed and continue to add until the rice is al dente  or soft with a tiny bit of bite left. Basically just cooked but not soggy. You might not need all of the stock for this.
Take this pan off the heat now and stir in the soft cheese plus some sea salt and black pepper, put the lid on and leave to one side.
Turn the heat on now on to your other pan and dip your garnish flowers into the egg. Use a fine sieve or a tea strainer to thoroughly dust the flour onto flowers (ha!) rather than dipping them as this tends to have an unfortunately claggy result. You only want a fine layer of flour over everything. When the oil is hot, fry the flowers quickly for only a minute or so on each side or until you see only the slightest colour  developing. Drain them on some kitchen paper.
Quickly now stir the shredded flowers into your risotto then plate immediately with the stuffed blossom on top and some parmesan cheese. I find this best served with a plain green salad and a big glass of dry white wine in a sunny garden!

Variations- If you don’t want to stuff the flowers and go through all that you can just lightly fry or even bake the flowers on their own. If you have a deep fat fryer try a tempura style batter on the whole flowers or even on the shredded rings for a crunchier topping.
You can leave the wine out if you wish just use more stock.
If you swap the veg stock for chicken stock this will work but I would dilute it slightly as chicken stock tends to taste a little stronger.
Vegans/weight watchers or the dairy intolerant can forgo the soft cheese however I would suggest finishing it instead with a nice glug of extra virgin olive oil to keep it rich and luxuriant as all risottos should be!

Grow Your Own! 5 Easy Home Crops

 

seedlings

The first green shoots of life for your vegetable harvest!

Believe it or not you don’t need several acres of allotment and hours of daily toiling to achieve a decent edible production line direct to your kitchen- it needn’t be an exercise in endless soil turning and Alan Titchmarsh tomes. You don’t even need that much ground if you have space for some decent sized pots and the muscle to heft a couple of bags of compost home from the garden centre.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do get it wrong with my fruit and veg efforts and it is not possible to make every garden work for every kind of crop but if you want to try out fruit and veg growing for the first time or have been unsuccessful in the past try any or all of the below for low-effort, high yield starters.

 

1- Lettuce:

lettuce

Lettuce will do well in pots and can suffer less from slug invasion when grown this way

Lettuce is never going to be sexy but it is always going to have a place at the table through the summer months, be it for your bikini diet or a BBQ side. Maybe it is just a trick of my own pride but I have found that the varieties I’ve grown in my garden hold a lot more flavour than a supermarket buy and because you can trim leaves off the growing plant as required you don’t end up with that horror-movie slime accumulation that can come of keeping a whole one in the fridge for too long.
You can start these on a windowsill or in a greenhouse/conservatory if you have particularly cold weather or numerous pests but they will usually grow well if you chuck the seeds straight into the soil once the chance of a frost has gone. I have found them to suffer less from pests if grown in pots and you will need to up your anti-slug game to protect them if they are in the ground (try beer traps if you don’t want to use pellets).
I love the Salad Bowl variety available from Mr Fothergill’s which grow quickly and do well in partial shade as well as full sun.

Extra tip: If you get on with lettuces try chard too as they seem to thrive in similar conditions. 

 

2- Carrots:

carrots

A wonky carrot crop from my garden

There is something wonderful about yanking up a homegrown carrot with that cartoon-esque crown of spiky green leaves! If you want an early crop, start these on a windowsill or in the conservatory in late March to plant out in April and harvest from late June. Otherwise plant seeds directly into soil after the regional frost risk is gone. If you are OCD on appearances try planting them in a large pot for straighter results- they will grow much bigger in the ground but can be quite twisted and unattractive! They need little care beyond the expected watering but will benefit from occasional feed if you are inclined to do so. Mice or squirrels might take nibbles from the tops as they begin to emerge so cover any emerging orange flesh up with soil from time to time.

Extra tip: You can increase your carrot yield and put off their main pest (the imaginatively titled carrot fly) but planting sage, rosemary or onions nearby and some people suggest that sharing the ground with some chive plants will improve the flavour. 

3- Parsley

parsley

Potted parsley grows easily outside or on a windowsill

Parsley really is the easiest go-to green herb to grow yourself and I keep my kitchen stocked from one 10cm pot on our patio that come in for the winter. Parsley will do equally well on a window sill that sees an good amount of daylight. Keep it watered and do not be tempted to leave in a greenhouse/conservatory much past the seedling stage as this plant will suffer from drying out too regularly- I have seen an entire plant go from healthy in the morning to yellow, curled and decimated by mid afternoon on a particularly sunny day in our conservatory. Parsley will be harvest ready in a few weeks, simply snip as required from the plant and add to garlic butter, soups and sauces or just use to pretty up your plates as a garnish.

Extra tip: You can buy parsley seeds all over the place so look for budget steals like your local bargain/pound shop where you can often get three garden seed packets for a quid. 

 

4- Gooseberries

gooseberries

Hinnomaki Red gooseberries grown this spring. Much sweeter than expected and soon to go into jam.

I invested in a couple of young Hinnomaki Red gooseberry plants on a whim this spring to take up some space in a bare patch where I had recently dug out a useless/ugly Red Robin. Opting for plugs or juvenile plants might seem like cheating a bit versus growing from seed, but when you have weed or pest issues or are late in the season getting started sometimes it is the best option. It certainly takes a lot less maintenance as long as you prep the ground well by throwing in some bonemeal and giving them a really good soak immediately after planting. I’ve done next to nothing for those gooseberry bushes and they have roughly tripled in size over the last three months and produced a really lovely crop of juicy, sweet red gooseberries last week (end June). Some smaller cheeky birds might nip at the flowers in early spring but otherwise they don’t seem to be bothered by pests.

5-Onions:

onions flowering

Onions are easy to grow, make great companion plants to repel some pests and produce really striking flowers

Green Fingered legend has it that you can’t kill an onion! They will take frost. They will take shade. They will take days of blazing sunshine. They will take all the cats and slugs and flea beetles and other buggers in your garden with little to no impact! They are also mega easy to plant from bulbs and available in good number from all garden centres. Don’t be tempted to plant them too shallow and if you allow 1 or 2 to bolt they produce quite stunning flowers! Plant them straight into the ground in the early spring or if you are restricted to pots try shallots rather than full sized onions and give them plenty of space. For the ultra lazy, research the more hardy varieties and plant them in the autumn once you have cleared out everything else and they will survive the winter and crop from the following Spring.

Extra tip: I have found that the darling/evil cats that visit my garden never make their toilet area near the patch where I grow onions, possibly due to the strong smell so if you are troubled by felines try planting a border line of onions to put them off. 

Grow Your Own! A Painful Lesson in Tuber Betrayal.

The offending spuds, with a bonus onion in the back

Education abounds in the Boomboom garden and I find myself once more starting to draft in some mental lines of change for the end of this summer.

Gardening is hard, and some plants are right gits. My potatoes, for example, are absolute gits. Having taken over the majority of my veg patch and grown so high and thick that it has made it impossible to get around them to prune the unruly hazel bushes, it became apparent a couple of weeks ago that they needed to start coming out of the ground and into a saucepan. I thought I had an impressive initial harvest, taking about a half meter strip of the earthy bumps out of the ground to fill my trug for the purposes of a spud salad to take to Her-In-Law’s house warming BBQ. Thankfully the Mr decided to taste test this offering, and declare that there’s “Quite a nasty aftertaste there.” Once I had finished breaking all his fingers cursing his very existence for having the nerve to criticise my culinary skills, I tried some myself and had to begrudgingly agree.

I will now introduce you to Solanine- a chemical found abundantly in growing potatoes which by happy coincidence is very good at deflecting attacks by pests both animal and microbiological in nature. How does it deflect these attacks? Oh, it’s a glycoalkaloid poison- which is exactly as nasty as it sounds and my spuds are brimming with it. Hooray.

In real and less dramatic terms, I would probably have to eat a couple of kilos of solanine-high spuds to experience the ill effects of cellular membrane failure in a meaningful way- like stomach cramps or nausea or nightmares or that kind of thing. However even without those fun symptoms this jolly bio-chemical will make a technically safe portion of potatoes taste like crap. Sour, cloying crap that remains with you for a good ten minutes after that first regretful swallow. The pain is so much worse for the fact that they appear on the surface to be REALLY good potatoes. Firm, pleasingly round,  so new and tender that it took little more than a rinse under the tap to skin them and none of the tell tale green tinge that would usually indicate that they were not good to go. They even taste good- a textbook creamy and carby comfort in the mouth until that horrid toxic after-tang materialises. Think about following up a perfect fork full of tagliatelle with a shot of sour metal. So near, and yet so vile.  I’m sure there are words for the levels of disappointment felt from this bitter harvest but I am still too sore on the subject to find them. Is this how it feels to love and nurture your child only for them to leave home at 18 and join a murder cult or get tattoos or something? Perhaps so. It is a palpable disappointment to have nurtured such evil, to be so betrayed by one’s babies.

So what can we do to avoid this foul occurrence in our home grown tubers of choice? What wisdom am I to pass to you from my unpalatable recent experience? Well, nothing and none, except maybe that boring old chestnut Patience. Solanine levels in potatoes drop over time. That’s it. You can’t wash it out, you can’t cook it out, you can smother it in mayonnaise and hope it’s a non leatal dose. There may be hope later in the year that the yuk levels in my Charlottes will begin to dwindle once they get a little further along but I have to say we have been put off somewhat and definitely won’t be sampling them again for another month or so.

Such sadness. I love a potato salad.