If you live in the UK at the moment firstly- hang in there. This current climate of buffoonery and Barnard Castle is our karma for Colonialism and Morrisey but it can’t last forever.
Secondly, you’ll have seen our wise and just leaders are very concerned about the waist of the nation. We’re apparently all too fat, and by ‘all’ I mean approaching 2/3 of the adult population. And by ‘concerned’ I also mean ‘deflecting attention from current government cock ups’. Ask not what you can do for your country, but why your country is pretending to care how big your arse is just days before giving you 50% off to dine at fast food restaurants across the land.
Regardless of the reasons, our eating habits are on trend for discussion once more and you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve not been able to find the energy to delve into the many capitalist, classist and sexist arguments which contribute to the massive, massive complexity of our fat nation. Nor can I be arsed to get into the heavy vs healthy debate- if you fancy this go and find yourself a professional rugby player and ask them about their BMI. Just find yourself a professional rugby player full stop, you deserve it hun.
Instead, here is the fool proof low fat high protein omega rich matcha tea boosted Boomboom guide to happy diet regimes! Someone defrost Jamie Oliver please, he’s on in five.
Atkins: Ultra low carb high fat misery regime that gives rapid but unsustainable fat loss, bad breath and mood issues. The inventor of said diet died very over weight with a myriad of heart problems. Just sayin.
South Beach: Atkins, but with more fruit.
Keto: Atkins, but with chemistry.
Somersizing: Soft South Beach rules with added 70’s icon value.
Paleo: Low on grains and high on grass fed buffalo. Basically someone imagined that Palaeolithic man was much healthier than modern day man so let’s eat like he did. Only you’re supposed to take lots of supplements with it too. Popular with gym Bros who think Holland and Barrett were the leading local grocers of choice 2.5 million years ago.
The Blood Type Diet: Eating based on your erythrocyte surface proteins. Oddly coincides with cutting out high fat and calorie dense foods as well as metabolic tweakers like caffeine and refined sugar. Curious.
The Alkalising Diet: Science free hokum that pretends to make your innards more alkaline. Having alkaline innards would kill you. Created by the same wankers who want to sell you CBD oil and avocado stones while you die of the cancer they talked you out of getting treated by Actual Medicine.
The Cleanse: Also known as the Beyonce Diet. It’s a noughties throwback short term starvation binge of water, maple syrup and paprika. You will lose bloat and cry a lot and you will not look like Beyonce.
The Skinny Bitch Diet: In short, Veganism. But it’s one of the better harsh and judgey vegan bibles out there if you like a read. Also please remember that going vegan is not a diet, it’s a lifestyle maaaaaaaaaaaaan.
The F Plan: Low calorie and alarmingly high fibre. Fibre to the point of being so bloated you can’t even think about a biscuit without cramping.
Intermittent Fasting: Also known as 5:2 or the 500 calorie diet where twice a week you restrict yourself to only 500 calories for the day. Works by jiggling your insulin levels and promoting fat burning as your body doesn’t ‘get used’ to being in a fasted state. Won’t work if you binge on Jaffa cakes and milkshakes on the other days.
Time Restricted Eating: Limiting to a certain time of day when one is ‘allowed’ to eat- usually a 6-10 hour window after breakfast. This varies according to your age and sex, but is basically a spread out version of Intermittent Fasting and is only as good as the calories you are getting in during that window. Can help bloating and energy issues by avoiding late night meals.
The Cambridge Diet: MI6 code for handling international operatives. This one to one programme is far too expensive for any real people to take part in.
Slimfast: One real meal a day then shakes, soups and weird little bars of sadness the rest of the time. High on sweeteners and relies on people who can’t be arsed to think about what they are eating. Good results if you stick with it but expect to learn no good nutritional habits and pile the weight back on when you stop.
Lighter Life: Slimfast without the real meal once a day, only delivered to your house with included access to a counsellor who will tell you face to face to buy more of their products and stop being fat.
Slimming World: Guilt based social cult that charges you to use their scales then forces you to discuss crustless quiche with a load of Karens for an hour afterwards.
Ok fine, SW is an established and thorough eating plan that aims to restrict high fat and some high sugar foods with the added bonus of a weekly ring of shame. Sorry, support meeting. Millions of people find this a really useful system to lose weight but at the heart of it there is a fair bit of psychological manipulation. They tend to re-brand every 18 months or so just in case you get used to their system and contemplate going it alone. They have a lot of fluffy intro procedures and fun games and will tell you all sorts of rehearsed balls about caring about you and wanting you to succeed but they only also want you to hand over the cash. If you don’t believe me join up and see how much your local rep cares when you miss a meeting because of legitimate life reasons. You literally wont get in the door without settling your dues for that session you didn’t go to, and will also get a nauseating lecture about how ‘commitment fees’ are there to help you, you fat twat.
Weight Watchers or now just WW: Slimming World, but cheaper.
The Anti Inflammatory Diet: Also known as the diabetes diet or the Mediterranean diet and is basically what all proper nutritionists will recommend. Low on refined sugar and saturated fats, low on processed foods, open to dairy, booze and caffeine in sensible levels, high on fibre, whole foods and portion control. Plus regular gentle cardio and weight bearing exercise. It will never catch on.
If you made it this far, I hope you had a giggle. If you wanted real life advice because you are concerned about your weight, speak to your GP before you start giving money to any of the above listed gurus/charlatans. And for the love of God don’t listen to any nobs on the internet, myself definitely included.
Food. Boom. 
Yep, made me laugh. I’ve been on the cake and biscuit diet for the last four months…