Grow Your Own! A Winter’s Tale

Looking out at my garden this morning after our second proper frost in sunny Essex, I am (perhaps over dramatically) put in mind somewhat of tales of winters on the Somme.
There’s a lot of mud, you see.

My planning was a bit out this year in terms of maintenance and removal of edibles and pretties alike, and we seem to be paying for it now if only in aesthetic terms. There is very little going on in my veg patch as I put the winter cabbage seedlings out a bit too late for them to really get going and they have all died bar one skinny little plant who is soldering on but frankly not looking like he’s going to do a Steve Rogers any time soon.
I did remember to cut my rhubarb back, roughly shredding up the massive leaves he managed to grow to dig straight back into the rest of the patch for some nutrition so he’s but a sad, compost covered clump at the moment.  The two sections of late potatoes that went in with Christmas dinner expectations were ripped out again when it became clear we have a blight problem.

The pumpkins were a massive success however, and their patch is now full of weeds resting empty until the spring.
My chard plants are finally slowing down, it’s too cold and too dark for them now I think but there is one small harvest left to be had before I give up on those until next year.
My 50p rescue sage plant is positively booming, and the rosemary and parsley pots are showing no signs of retreat but my mint transplant (out of the beds and into a huge pot) is flagging. I’m being polite by saying ‘flagging’. It is suffering and straggly and in need of euthanisation, STAT.
There is life from my late onion planting though, some of those are a good six inches clear of the topsoil now and we all know you can’t kill an onion so hooray! I also made a budget buy of beans from the garden centre in early October on the assurance that they were frost hardy down to about minus 4 and they are doing pretty well, not much shy of doubling in size since they went in the ground which is most pleasing. My first attempt at a home-made frame is holding up for them which is a matter of some pride after certain on lookers felt the need to comment on its lack of symmetry and troublingly low quantity of string ties. In your face, non believer!!!

This might sound like a lot but it is pretty sparse and scattered about, and since we took the budlejas back down to the ground the rest of the garden is looking very low, dull and muddy and I’m kind of glad I only get to see it in the daylight for two days a week or else I would find it endlessly depressing. But we must not depress, for it is Saturday and I’ve had more than six hours sleep so I’m full of beans and ready to inspire myself for next year! Starting on what to fill out those mud blocks with and I’m currently leaning towards some kind of mass rosemary planting and lots of osteospermum to fill out the ground. Project Feathers is also in need of advancement, as we have seriously reduced bird activity since taking out the rotten little plum tree over the summer and they really don’t seem to trust our new upright iron feeder holder thing. I have upgraded our seed supplies and added a jaunty green feeder (his name is Gerald, obvs) in the hope of attracting them back and that all needs a clean and some arrangement. Don’t forget to defrost your bird baths, fellow cold dwellers!

I shall be donning my gloves and three extra jumpers to get out this morning after another cup of coffee. Boring tidying and trimming out the dead tops of all the stuff I hope will survive under the soil for another winter because I forgot to dig it up like a good person last month. This leads to my inevitable research of how and what to cloche before I get scared of the masses of spider webs covering my cloche stash in shed and laughing it off for another year because screw it most of the pots did OK last winter.
I will also be humming some suitable battlefield soundtracks as I break out my recent delivery of Silent Roar and go once again into the breach against that ****er Moby Dick The Phantom Crapper. Let’s see how he likes coming across a little stack of lion poo in his toilet spots. There is something rather poetic about taking revenge on cats by filling their favourite poo spots with poo that they are frightened of. Bastards.

So see, there is actually quite a bit to do, and yeah it’s freezing but it’s dry and frozen solid cat turds are much less of a fuss to shift so I’m going to get to it so I can move on to phase two of the day- the dread Christmas shopping! Which isn’t too dread as I get to go to the garden centre, again, as the Older Male Silbling has expressed an interest in getting his own home-grow on next year and has requested a starter kit *insert sibling rivalry eyeroll here*

If you have a lush and lovely winter garden, good for you! If you have a frozen muddy mess like me, do not despair, put some seeds out for the robins and cuddle up with a good volume of Monty and we can work out together how to make it all better next time.

And remember, mud is better than weeds any day of the week!