Death By flapjack?

An example of the offending flapjack, courtesy of the BBC.

In a fine example of why I often despair of this wonderful world, a young person was injured in school not a million miles from my homestead recently. I wish him a speedy recovery, it’s not nice to laugh at people when they are hurt. Even if said hurt comes from an expertly hurled flapjack. More specifically by the corner of an expertly hurled triangular flapjack. Thankfully the school environment involved have responded in the only sensible fashion by punishing the little bastards throwing their cake around banning flapjack with sharp corners.
Find that hard to swallow? Click here.

In my other life I actually spend a fair amount of time investigating work place accidents and attempting to make people think about the implications of their actions on the health and safety of others and I truly believe that we all have a right to a working or educational environment free of flying lunch related injuries. We’re not animals for heavens sakes!!!! It’s easy to pooh pooh this reaction from the  flapjackgate school as daft, ludicrous or even suggest that it is the decision of an abject moron who is so frightened of the Health & Safety Executive that their brain had a full on meltdown when faced with this ghastly turn of events.

Yes. You cook your meat thoroughly and avoid eating blowfish, you thought all you had to worry about was a nut allergy or choking on your hotdog. Oh no, no, no, no, no. The food is out there, and it will get you. Mercury in tuna will make your children stupid, pesticides in beef will make you grow moobs and one whiff of a soya bean will cause hormonal catastrophes of a volcanic scale if left unchecked and FLAPJACK WILL BLIND YOU THROUGH NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN (or anyone throwing it). We are entirely too complacent. Are our children safe in their school cafeterias? Do our friends risk death and destruction with every trip to the vending machine? Does that sandwich have the power to maim you and more importantly, can you blame someone for it when it does?

In fact let us start this investigation with sandwiches, nasty bread bound bundles of nutrition that they are. No laughing matter for Tampa Bay baseball pitcher Joel Peralta who was seriously injured in recent weeks getting out of his car to pick up a quick sarnie. He suffered muscular complications and neck pain as a result, and was unable to eat his sandwiches until some time after the event. His team and personal performance are still suffering as a result of this senseless incident.

How about eggs then? Nasty, evil eggs with all that albumen and salmonella and sharp shells that could really scratch your eye if you shoved them in there and jiggled them around a bit. A vicious gang of 28 eggs murdered Tunisian man Dhaou Fatnass after forcing their way into his stomach while he was otherwise distracted by a ridiculous bet with a friend about being able to eat 30 raw eggs. What happened to the other two eggs? Hmmm? Why wont they come forward to tell their side of the story? I think we can read between the lines on this one as to who was really to blame for the loss of life here. Time to ban any egg consumption in the vicinity of bored or competitive males, and not a moment too soon.

Yes, yes, I can hear all you bleeding heart liberals trying to say that food is innocent, enjoyable, a staple simple part of every day life, a misunderstood source of calories! Food doesn’t kill people, eating kills people! Yeah, that’s what the Nazis said too just before they plotted to blow up Winston Churchill (God bless you sir) with a bar of exploding chocolate! You cannot act soon or severely enough comrades, the food needs to be controlled and quickly and I think we all owe a vote of thanks to the governing body of Castleview School, Canvey Island for being brave enough to stand up and be counted in the war against slightly sore faces by banning weaponised triangular flapjacks in favour of square cut ones.

Thank God squares don’t have corners, right?


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